yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
A+ Viking dick
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
