omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
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He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
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that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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