moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
