I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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