Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
