On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Randomize
