All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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