i think my tv is drunk
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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