He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
