I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
