If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Randomize
