god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
