Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
