Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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