I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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