how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
