The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
