you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
