Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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