my vag is so smooth its legendary
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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