I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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