I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize