There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
