I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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