i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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