I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
