i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
