Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
