We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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