i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
