If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
