My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
