I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
