youre lurking in front of me
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
