I can tuck mytits in my pants
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
