god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
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Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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