My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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