did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
