My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
