good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I am one with the molecules
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
