ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
