Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
