Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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