have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
