If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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