I hate all girls vehemently.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
