she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
