did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
