the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
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