His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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