At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Randomize
