I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
