I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
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im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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