I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
