is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
