Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You're like the curious george of whores
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
