If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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