I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
